I ran with headphones in listening to music this week. For the first time, ever. 26 years of running, I have never run while listening to music save the occasional band or stereo system playing at a race or radio station blasting at the gym. It was bizarre. I never realized how much the sound of my breathing determines my level of perceived effort. As soon as I put in those headphones and cranked that music I felt completely cut off from myself. It was as if I no longer had any way of knowing how tired I was. I was doing a tempo run at what passes for a reasonably hard pace these days. Occasionally there would be a pause between songs and I would hear the familiar god-awful, gaspy wheeze that is the very un-sexy sound of me working hard and then, and only then, I would suddenly feel exhausted and realize what an effort I was putting in. Then the next song would come on and my breathing would become inaudible and the perception of fatigue would be gone. So weird. I can see this being a really effective training and even racing tool. If, in the absence of my own bio-feedback I don't feel fatigue, perhaps I can push harder (or just wind up falling off the back of the treadmill). I have to say though that the next day I went for a run outside without headphones and I could never give up the musicality of the squeak of freshly fallen snow underfoot.
The other bio-feedback I have been interested in as of late is temperature. I alluded to the fact that I am trying for baby #2 in a previous post. Towards that goal I am making adjustments in my training based on the small amount of research I have done. Essentially for the first half of my cycle I do whatever I want, from ovulation onwards I train in such a way as to prevent over-heating. This, as far as I can tell from my reading, is the only compromise that needs to be made in training while trying to conceive assuming that one's menstrual cycle is regular and the woman is ovulating. According to the bible i.e. Clapp's Exercising Through Pregnancy, the motility of s*p*e*r*m is reduced above 38.8 deg C, in addition, heat can be problematic for the embryo/fetus in very early pregnancy hence the need to stay cool. I am surprised by how easily my body seems to heat up, here are some stats:
-running on treadmill at a very easy pace - 38.6 deg C
-running on treadmill at tempo pace in front of wide open window - 38.8 deg C
-hard, hilly run at fast pace outside in -18 deg C weather - 39 deg C (WTF??)
So essentially I am training hard for two weeks and then running easy for two weeks. Occasionally I try to do a tempo run during the latter two weeks of my cycle by running outside and really under-dressing for the weather or else by running in the gym with ice packs in my bra and shorts. Neither option is super comfortable... then again neither is trying to take my temperature while running on a treadmill.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Theory of Mind
La Cocotte made her first contribution to science today. She participated in a study at a local university the goal of which is to evaluate whether babies and toddlers can perceive that other people may have desires and motivations that are different than their own and what is done with this information. There were a series of fun activities in which she participated. My favorite was the snack activity. She was offered two bowls - one containing cauliflower and one containing goldfish (i.e. the cheese flavoured crackers, not the best selling piscine pet from the local pet store). She was allowed to pick which snack she wanted and eat as much as she wanted. I was surprised that she went for the goldfish as she is a huge fan of cauliflower but she has never had or seen goldfish before so maybe the novelty won out. Anyway the researcher then took the bowls back and proceeded to taste a piece from each bowl. The researcher tried the goldfish and made a very sour face and exclaimed that it was bad and yucky! She then tried the cauliflower and smiled and pronounced it very tasty indeed. La cocotte was then given the bowls back and asked to offer the researcher a snack (the bowls were placed equi-distant from her). The idea is - does she realize the researcher's preference for cauliflower and therefore offer the researcher the snack of her choice or does she (la cocotte) offer a snack based on her own preference. The exercise was repeated several times to control for hand preference i.e. make sure she wasn't just offering the snack closest to her right hand. It was also repeated with green beans and cheerios. In all cases* la cocotte offered the researcher the snack for which the researcher had shown the preference despite it clashing with la cocotte's preference (no one will be shocked that she preferred cheerios over green beans I suppose).
*Ok, in one case she offered no snacks and just kept eating the cheerios herself.
So... on one hand we could say I have a very empathetic baby who grasps theory of mind i.e. she understands that different people have different desires and she tries to fulfill those desires. On the other hand, maybe she was just thinking "Sucker... you get the green beans, that leaves more cheerios for me!".
But then the exercise was repeated with the researcher having a preference for the same snack as la cocotte and sure enough... la cocotte ponied up the cheerios and goldfish so there you have it, empathy and sharing in the toddler set! Which wasn't a huge surprise, la cocotte has been sharing tons of things with me since about the time she hit one year of age. Sometimes it is a coveted blueberry, even when the supply is scarce, she'll still reach out and pop one into my mouth. Other times it is something slightly less desirable, usually something pre-chewed, but it still counts as sharing in my book.
It's a fascinating sometimes frustrating stage in her development. Her verbal comprehension has clearly exploded in the past few months. We can ask her to do small tasks and she obliges (if she's in the mood, which is fair enough) but she still does not have much language yet. So we know there's a ton going on behind those big, blue eyes but we're still missing the rosetta stone to allow us to interpret. We get by with the pointing and grunting, but oh what I'd give to know what is going on in that pumpkin head of hers. I sometimes feel so ill equipped to understand and interpret her needs, desires and motivations. Other moms seem to KNOW every grunt, half-formed word, cry, squeal their child makes and attribute a specific meaning to it. Do they really know or is it mostly projection?
Her pre-verbal days will soon come to an end and with them so will end some of the wonderful, frustrating mystery. While I look forward in great anticipation to being able to have a conversation with her, I know I will also feel nostalgia for these mysterious times.
*Ok, in one case she offered no snacks and just kept eating the cheerios herself.
So... on one hand we could say I have a very empathetic baby who grasps theory of mind i.e. she understands that different people have different desires and she tries to fulfill those desires. On the other hand, maybe she was just thinking "Sucker... you get the green beans, that leaves more cheerios for me!".
But then the exercise was repeated with the researcher having a preference for the same snack as la cocotte and sure enough... la cocotte ponied up the cheerios and goldfish so there you have it, empathy and sharing in the toddler set! Which wasn't a huge surprise, la cocotte has been sharing tons of things with me since about the time she hit one year of age. Sometimes it is a coveted blueberry, even when the supply is scarce, she'll still reach out and pop one into my mouth. Other times it is something slightly less desirable, usually something pre-chewed, but it still counts as sharing in my book.
It's a fascinating sometimes frustrating stage in her development. Her verbal comprehension has clearly exploded in the past few months. We can ask her to do small tasks and she obliges (if she's in the mood, which is fair enough) but she still does not have much language yet. So we know there's a ton going on behind those big, blue eyes but we're still missing the rosetta stone to allow us to interpret. We get by with the pointing and grunting, but oh what I'd give to know what is going on in that pumpkin head of hers. I sometimes feel so ill equipped to understand and interpret her needs, desires and motivations. Other moms seem to KNOW every grunt, half-formed word, cry, squeal their child makes and attribute a specific meaning to it. Do they really know or is it mostly projection?
Her pre-verbal days will soon come to an end and with them so will end some of the wonderful, frustrating mystery. While I look forward in great anticipation to being able to have a conversation with her, I know I will also feel nostalgia for these mysterious times.
Friday, December 24, 2010
In the silence of Wisconsin
I spent this fall in a silent scream. The past two months have been the most emotionally painful of my entire life. These months starred soul-destroying conflict with supporting performances by terror, grief and more hours and dollars than was really reasonable spent on therapy. In the face of all of this, it felt very false to be blogging about amusing baby anecdotes, or the challenges of being a working mother, or a particularly satisfying work-out ... my usual fare. Also, to be honest, I just did not have the energy. I've occasionally felt down in the dumps, but I have never experienced mind-altering depression like these past months. I think in the face of conflict it is important for to examine one's own behavior, actions, ideas... let's say one's own ugly self. I have spent large swaths of time doing so these past few months, an exercise which, if done honestly and diligently, can be very draining and depressing.
A painful by-product of these past few months was the loss of precious time with la cocotte. During the last two months I was completely numb, moving in slow motion under 100 feet of water. Suddenly I have a toddler in front of me who is lively and active, has opinions and WORDS (bateau, soulier, nounou, bebe) and I have no idea how we got from here to there. It is as if someone hit fast forward and I missed witnessing two months of development. It is time I will never get back, and I mourn deeply that lost time. I think I am turning the corner due to various events and thanks in part to my amazing therapist and, also, to give credit where credit is due... to the very hard mental work I have been doing. Things are still very broken in my little world and I don't know the way forward but my moments of clarity are becoming slightly more frequent. And when I focus on la cocotte, I feel something that is perhaps a distant cousin to peace.
So, things are not where I want them to be but regardless I must function again. I have an amazing toddler who needs and deserves my affection and attention. I have a challenging job that taxes my little brain even when it (my little brain) is functioning optimally. My life is happening around me and I need and want to be present for it. I guess this post is largely an exercise in returning to me. To function again. Even if things are far from okay in some very important aspects of my life. I must be present. Now.
There have been some finite, good moments this fall. Now and then, at the end of a hard ten mile run on a crisp wintery day I could feel some of the old normal. La cocotte, as much as I feel I missed out on a ton, has been a source of goodness and sanity. How much do I love watching her accomplish a new task and then turn to me and ask for a round of applause or give me a high five. Mmmmonyka's huge 5 km PB was a very bright spot this fall; helping someone else run fast is a great anodyne to failing to do so oneself. It gave me huge pleasure to read about and be able to follow SLG's pregnancy. Reading about the birth of Karoline's first child. Speaking of pregnancy and children, I decided this fall definitively my own thoughts on having a second child. The thought is: yes, please. I don't know if it is in the cards or not given the difficulties we had the first time around however even if it does not happen, the end of indecision is a wonderful stabilizing force.
This isn't the cheery pre-Christmas post I would have hoped to write. It's an honest reflection of where I am at. But perhaps, in a nod to the season, I can leave off with a photo of Santa claus and Cindy Lou Who Who is not more than two:
A painful by-product of these past few months was the loss of precious time with la cocotte. During the last two months I was completely numb, moving in slow motion under 100 feet of water. Suddenly I have a toddler in front of me who is lively and active, has opinions and WORDS (bateau, soulier, nounou, bebe) and I have no idea how we got from here to there. It is as if someone hit fast forward and I missed witnessing two months of development. It is time I will never get back, and I mourn deeply that lost time. I think I am turning the corner due to various events and thanks in part to my amazing therapist and, also, to give credit where credit is due... to the very hard mental work I have been doing. Things are still very broken in my little world and I don't know the way forward but my moments of clarity are becoming slightly more frequent. And when I focus on la cocotte, I feel something that is perhaps a distant cousin to peace.
So, things are not where I want them to be but regardless I must function again. I have an amazing toddler who needs and deserves my affection and attention. I have a challenging job that taxes my little brain even when it (my little brain) is functioning optimally. My life is happening around me and I need and want to be present for it. I guess this post is largely an exercise in returning to me. To function again. Even if things are far from okay in some very important aspects of my life. I must be present. Now.
There have been some finite, good moments this fall. Now and then, at the end of a hard ten mile run on a crisp wintery day I could feel some of the old normal. La cocotte, as much as I feel I missed out on a ton, has been a source of goodness and sanity. How much do I love watching her accomplish a new task and then turn to me and ask for a round of applause or give me a high five. Mmmmonyka's huge 5 km PB was a very bright spot this fall; helping someone else run fast is a great anodyne to failing to do so oneself. It gave me huge pleasure to read about and be able to follow SLG's pregnancy. Reading about the birth of Karoline's first child. Speaking of pregnancy and children, I decided this fall definitively my own thoughts on having a second child. The thought is: yes, please. I don't know if it is in the cards or not given the difficulties we had the first time around however even if it does not happen, the end of indecision is a wonderful stabilizing force.
This isn't the cheery pre-Christmas post I would have hoped to write. It's an honest reflection of where I am at. But perhaps, in a nod to the season, I can leave off with a photo of Santa claus and Cindy Lou Who Who is not more than two:
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Autumn in Images
Yes, an apple was harmed in taking this picture (harmed and stolen in fact!).
The owners of this produce stand were very, very patient.
Tired mom after 5 km, energetic toddler.
Our toddler's obsession with brooms made our choice of hallowe'en costumes very obvious.
Though of course on the actual night we had to canadianize (i.e. accessorize in canadian fashion) the costume with winter hat, polar fleece etc.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Race Report: Provincial Cross Country Championships
Today was XC Provincial Championships. This is actually the 3rd XC Championship race I run this year if I count the two I did in Italy in February. Kind of ironic for a runner who dislikes XC. But today was a special event. Every year, satellite, erstwhile members of my running club band together and form senior women's team. This team consists of working women in their 30s and 40s with children. Lots of children. Today, the 7 of us toeing the start line on my team, had 8 children among us, We have been doing this for almost a decade, though I cannot claim to have participated in nearly that many. We rarely see each other all together outside of this race so there is truly a feeling of reunion and comradeship surrounding this event.
This is also an occasion for me to catch up with various people who have been in my running life for upwards of 20 years now. In particular one of my first coaches was there (in all, six of my former coaches were there). I had a really wonderful chat with him. I think he must be pushing 80 but just as enthusiastic if slightly less energetic than he used to be. He was lamenting how much thinner the fields are than they used to be among the young'ins. In the cadet boys category, a team consists of only three runners, the federation had to limit it to 3 in order to have a reasonable number of teams in the field. Where have all the young'ins gone? If they are off playing soccer or hockey or just out playing in the streets and parks instead of running, that`s fine but I suspect that is probably not the case. And I find that sad...
This race also acts as Quebec University Championships. As I jogged along the course to warm up, the university teams in their brightly coloured warm-ups, face paint and hair ribbons were unmistakeable. I was once one of those brightly coloured people too. Filled with nervous energy and lost in the importance of the moment. Now, as I warm-up chatting about working and children and life with my cohorts, it strikes me how very liberating it is to be in the situation where truly no one really cares about my performance but me. Also to have a whole three hours to go to a cross country meet is a rare treat and it makes me appreciate the occasion whereas in the past the delight of the event might have been lost in the nervousness of the moment.
My goals for today were somewhat arbitrary. But isn't that cross country in a nutshell: somewhat arbitrary? My goals were to first, to not finish lower than 3rd on any of the university teams in other words I did not want more than 2 members of a single team ahead of me. Second, brace yourself for the extreme cheesiness of it all, to have fun. I have been emotionally struggling with something enormous over the past few weeks and I wanted 5 kilometers of mud, sweat, heavy breathing, golden leaves and flying spikes as an outlet.
In pursuit of the second goal, I decided to go our very conservatively since fun = passing dozens of girls in the last 2. km, conversely fun does not = dying 3 km into a 5 km race. About 75 m into the race I remembered why going out conservatively is not an optimum strategy in XC - 100 spike-wearing women converging onto a 6 foot wide course. So it went that I found myself in the last 15% of the pack about 500 m into the race with limited opportunities for passing. I told myself to be patient, that opportunities would present themselves to move up.
The course was fairly tough, an honest XC course with long, gradual uphills that inevitably bring a runner to her knees followed by very short, very steep downhills. The kind of downhills that are too steep to use as recovery. The kind of downhills that I descend with windmilling arms and the mantra "stay upright or be trampled" running through my head.
By the end of the first loop I had moved up into the top 40% (ish) of the field but I was also no longer feeling like I had really gone out all that conservatively after all. The second lap consisted of slowly picking off women one by one. With 1 km to go I was in extremis. My 15 minute timer went off to remind me that there was less than 5 minutes of running left and that I needed to find more bodies to pass... but instead all i could think was "don't let more than 5 people pass you between now and the finish." Ugh. Not the most uplifting end-race thought. But in fact I'm proud to day that after about the 2 km mark no one passed me. Despite the fact that I was barely going backwards over the last km, no one went by me. I got through it in 100 m sections, looking up finding a landmark to run to and just concentrating on getting to that landmark and thinking of nothing else. It was ugly. I am sure I got no points for style but no one passed me. I also tried to remind myself that this was normal hurt and everyone else was hurting as well.
I had no kick, no grace, not much of anything in the finishing shute. I came home in 19:09. 7th woman in the non-university category and since 5 university women finished ahead of me I finished 12th overall. I feel that both of my pre-race goals were achieved. Lots of wonderful people to catch up with. The smell and sound of autumn leaves crunching under my spikes... a great way to spend a Saturday afternoon.
This is also an occasion for me to catch up with various people who have been in my running life for upwards of 20 years now. In particular one of my first coaches was there (in all, six of my former coaches were there). I had a really wonderful chat with him. I think he must be pushing 80 but just as enthusiastic if slightly less energetic than he used to be. He was lamenting how much thinner the fields are than they used to be among the young'ins. In the cadet boys category, a team consists of only three runners, the federation had to limit it to 3 in order to have a reasonable number of teams in the field. Where have all the young'ins gone? If they are off playing soccer or hockey or just out playing in the streets and parks instead of running, that`s fine but I suspect that is probably not the case. And I find that sad...
This race also acts as Quebec University Championships. As I jogged along the course to warm up, the university teams in their brightly coloured warm-ups, face paint and hair ribbons were unmistakeable. I was once one of those brightly coloured people too. Filled with nervous energy and lost in the importance of the moment. Now, as I warm-up chatting about working and children and life with my cohorts, it strikes me how very liberating it is to be in the situation where truly no one really cares about my performance but me. Also to have a whole three hours to go to a cross country meet is a rare treat and it makes me appreciate the occasion whereas in the past the delight of the event might have been lost in the nervousness of the moment.
My goals for today were somewhat arbitrary. But isn't that cross country in a nutshell: somewhat arbitrary? My goals were to first, to not finish lower than 3rd on any of the university teams in other words I did not want more than 2 members of a single team ahead of me. Second, brace yourself for the extreme cheesiness of it all, to have fun. I have been emotionally struggling with something enormous over the past few weeks and I wanted 5 kilometers of mud, sweat, heavy breathing, golden leaves and flying spikes as an outlet.
In pursuit of the second goal, I decided to go our very conservatively since fun = passing dozens of girls in the last 2. km, conversely fun does not = dying 3 km into a 5 km race. About 75 m into the race I remembered why going out conservatively is not an optimum strategy in XC - 100 spike-wearing women converging onto a 6 foot wide course. So it went that I found myself in the last 15% of the pack about 500 m into the race with limited opportunities for passing. I told myself to be patient, that opportunities would present themselves to move up.
The course was fairly tough, an honest XC course with long, gradual uphills that inevitably bring a runner to her knees followed by very short, very steep downhills. The kind of downhills that are too steep to use as recovery. The kind of downhills that I descend with windmilling arms and the mantra "stay upright or be trampled" running through my head.
By the end of the first loop I had moved up into the top 40% (ish) of the field but I was also no longer feeling like I had really gone out all that conservatively after all. The second lap consisted of slowly picking off women one by one. With 1 km to go I was in extremis. My 15 minute timer went off to remind me that there was less than 5 minutes of running left and that I needed to find more bodies to pass... but instead all i could think was "don't let more than 5 people pass you between now and the finish." Ugh. Not the most uplifting end-race thought. But in fact I'm proud to day that after about the 2 km mark no one passed me. Despite the fact that I was barely going backwards over the last km, no one went by me. I got through it in 100 m sections, looking up finding a landmark to run to and just concentrating on getting to that landmark and thinking of nothing else. It was ugly. I am sure I got no points for style but no one passed me. I also tried to remind myself that this was normal hurt and everyone else was hurting as well.
I had no kick, no grace, not much of anything in the finishing shute. I came home in 19:09. 7th woman in the non-university category and since 5 university women finished ahead of me I finished 12th overall. I feel that both of my pre-race goals were achieved. Lots of wonderful people to catch up with. The smell and sound of autumn leaves crunching under my spikes... a great way to spend a Saturday afternoon.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Race Report: The out of the blue 5 km
So I spent a week not eating much, running too much, not sleeping much and being extremely stressed.
I had a 5 km race planned, which I had done a prediction work-out for (predicted 17:44), but could not wrap my mind around running it. I jogged 5 minutes towards the start line and then walked home.
Then I spent a week not running, eating some more, trying to be less panicked. Out of nowhere I decided to pop off a 5 km off and see what this situation (which looked somewhat like a large taper) would produce. 17:50.
I don't recommend this type of lead up to a race and plan never to repeat it however I am very pleased with the race itself and the time. I was incredibly mentally focussed which I absolutely did not expect. My marathon legs could not go out too fast as I usually do in a 5 km and as a result my first 2 km were actually the slowest (3:36, 3:40) then I actually ran 10:35 for the last 3 km. I had set my timer to go off 15 minutes into the race and I told myself that when the timer went off I would have less than 3 minutes to run and I needed to leave everything on the road. It worked. It really worked. I have never worked so hard in the last 500 m of a race. I want to feel that feeling again.
I had a 5 km race planned, which I had done a prediction work-out for (predicted 17:44), but could not wrap my mind around running it. I jogged 5 minutes towards the start line and then walked home.
Then I spent a week not running, eating some more, trying to be less panicked. Out of nowhere I decided to pop off a 5 km off and see what this situation (which looked somewhat like a large taper) would produce. 17:50.
I don't recommend this type of lead up to a race and plan never to repeat it however I am very pleased with the race itself and the time. I was incredibly mentally focussed which I absolutely did not expect. My marathon legs could not go out too fast as I usually do in a 5 km and as a result my first 2 km were actually the slowest (3:36, 3:40) then I actually ran 10:35 for the last 3 km. I had set my timer to go off 15 minutes into the race and I told myself that when the timer went off I would have less than 3 minutes to run and I needed to leave everything on the road. It worked. It really worked. I have never worked so hard in the last 500 m of a race. I want to feel that feeling again.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
My little space
I plan to make this blog private either for awhile or permanently. I believe blogger allows me to invite 100 readers. That is probably about 20 X the number of invites I'll need :)
If you would like an invite please either leave me a comment here with the appropriate e-mail address or if you prefer e-mail me at PiccolaPineCone-at-gmail-dot-com. Those of you who already asked, no need to ask again as soon as I make it private again, you'll get your invite.
If you would like an invite please either leave me a comment here with the appropriate e-mail address or if you prefer e-mail me at PiccolaPineCone-at-gmail-dot-com. Those of you who already asked, no need to ask again as soon as I make it private again, you'll get your invite.
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