Thursday, April 3, 2014


So, day 18 at my new job is in the bag. As I have already said (over and over again) this has been a big adjustment for me. I guess I haven't really said why,  and it goes a bit beyond the obvious fact that new jobs are always an adjustment. I was at my last job for 12 years. 12! Long enough to feel very competent, knowledgeable and to have been involved with just about every aspect of the business. Add to that, I was the fifth person hired at the last company I worked for and when I left we were 25 - so, a very small though steadily growing place. My new company, at 120 (?) people feels huge in comparison (though I realize that probably still qualifies it as a small business). The industry is completely different (the common thread is software but other than that I am definitely not in Kansas anymore).

Anyway so yeah, big adjustment, whine whine whine however I have to say that after 13 days, I noticed a small but significant step change in my level of knowledge and comfort in my new position and today, again, I noticed another small but important change in my comfort level. So much so that I have promoted myself from "Useless" to - drum roll - "Mostly Useless". And while being "Mostly Useless" feels pretty shitty at best, it is still heaps above "Useless". Even better, I can see in the not too distant future when I feel very confident I will rise to the level of "Somewhat Useless".
If none of this makes sense, see: Syndrome, Impostor.

On the running front, I ran my second race of 2014 on the week-end. The first one had been a 10 km at altitude while sleep and calorie deprived, jet lagged and dehydrated on loose sand (I DO enjoy lining up those excuses) in which I eked out a 43:50 10 km. I thought that would for sure be my slowest race of the season. Enter the last (god I hope it was the last anyway) blizzard of the season being coincident with my first 5 km of the season and that yielded a 20:57. In the hours after the race I berated myself thinking that the conditions had not been THAT bad and that I am really out of shape etc. etc. but then the race pictures came out and after looking at them I have decided to just Let It Go because really, yes, it was THAT bad:

Otherwise I feel oddly confident in my fitness and training. I am doing some new-style work-outs like 25 X 200 m @ goal 5 km pace on short rest. They are hard but different and that keeps in interesting. My next race is in 2 weeks, another 5 km, and I am really hoping for sub-19.

Friday, March 28, 2014

Memories from a winter qui n'a jamais pris son fin

It was the winter for which we bought brand new snowsuits and thereafter I would simply randomly pluck one red and one purple blob from the park/daycare/grocery store etc. and hope for the best:

It was the winter during which all of our upper bodies got stronger than we ever imagined:

It was the winter of the Christmas which despite the (small) mountain of gifts, the $1 flashing Rudolph nose from the Dollar Store was the most sought after commodity:

It was the winter during which we should have done more of this:

But as the weeks wore on and we wore down, we did a lot of this:

(drank... too... much... milk)

It was NOT the winter in which Big gave up the crib despite being taller than it is long. Clearly, ti was also not the winter during which she gave up the pacifier:

It was the winter over which we played many games of hide and seek:

And the winter during which Little got the (hopefully) worst hair cut of her life courtesy of her penny pinching mom who felt confident trimming the bangs was an easy job:

(if you can see scalp, it's not a trim mom!)

It was the winter of lots of dress up (not only to cover up bad haircuts):

It was (is) the winter that all made us long for this:

Sunday, March 23, 2014

You have chosen...

So, as alluded to in previous posts, I made some pretty big life decisions in the past month or so. I chose from several possible, appealing options and am now living the consequences of that choice.  I feel like I am walking around waiting for one of two verdicts, this:

or this:

I guess that makes it sound like it is all external i.e. I am sitting around waiting to see if my new situation is ideal or otherwise. Meanwhile I am (sometimes) adult enough to know that any situation will be in large part what I make of it. But I am struggling a ton. Struggling with the fact that no one really knows me (and those who want to get to know me are probably put off by the 11th century Grail Knight looming over my shoulder). I am struggling also with my always overly developed sense of nostalgia; seriously, I was once nostalgic for a particular telephone booths! I am also, I am sure, somewhat over-romanticizing my last position. I am also struggling with what I can only imagine is a little touch of depression (or perhaps over-training - one or the other is making it very difficult to stay awake past 8.00 pm).

So... I need to take action. I need to read more material that will be helpful in my new job. I need to eat better (more green vegetables). I need to drink more (well I need to drink less wine but more water). I need to stop running on the treadmill all the time because I think it is making me tired, injured and therefore sluggish and unhappy. I need to keep my chin up and a positive attitude and remember that one of my strengths is being able to figure out how to make myself useful and engaged in unfamiliar situations. And I need to listen to Robert Eddison say "He chose poorly" about 30 times in a row because it makes me laugh. And laughing is good. Laughing is good.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Change is hard

Week 1 is completed at new job. Adjustment is the word of the week. I knew it would be hard to change jobs after 12 years, moving from a job where I was a pretty key player at a very small company where (sing it with me) everybody knows my name... hell more than knew my name, they knew the names of my kids, my husband, how I take my coffee (not that they ever got it for me), when I was PMS-ing, my favorite foods, my pet peeves, when I was really mad but trying to hide it, when I was really mad but not hiding it (ok, I guess that last one is not that impressive). So, it's hard to go from a level of extreme intimacy to being a very small, very anonymous fish in a very large pond.

And, of course, there is so much that sucks about staring a new job, any job - not knowing where the bathroom is (or once you do, not being able to remember the code for the door), riding the elevator and not being sure if it is filled with coworkers I have already met but cannot remember, feeling self conscious about the toboggan in my cubicle bc I cannot figure out where else to put it and I need it to bring Big & Little home from the daycare, feeling self conscious over - well - just about everything, being that annoying person who consumes the time of other people without giving anything back. Adding to the feeling of disconnect, I had a going away party at my old job at the end of this week and the stark contrast between how at home I feel with those people and how I feel in my new place was a little hard to take. Not to mention, my former co-workers gave me the best going away presents EVER: gum (bc I never have any and am always begging), chocolate (for obvious reasons), coffee flavored tea (bc they knew I would love the ridiculousness of it), a GARMIN watch for running (hello! After 25 years as a runner, I am going to know in real-time how fast and how far, I sense a new addiction), pyjamas (inside  joke too long to go into), a scarf (bc I am always cold), a framed picture of them on and on... As I write all of this I keep coming back to... WHY am did I leave? Seriously, why?

Anyway it'll be fine. It will be fine. Everyone has a hard time at their new job at first (unless the job is mattress tester and chocolate taster or treadmill verifier but enough about my fantasies). It WILL be fine and eventually, after a while, I am sure it will be more than fine. Eventually after a time, I know I will like this job and love the people I am working with. There are lots of positives about this job, I just need to learn, adjust and embrace the newness. But yeah, change is hard.

Running song of the week: Changes - David Bowie (I think)

Monday, March 10, 2014


So, was it totally obvious from my last two posts that the drama was me changing jobs? Or did it sound like I was getting divorced? Anyway yes, job change for me after 12, mostly wonderful, years at my (as of Friday) "old" job. And now I find myself in an interlude between jobs... an interlude of one freaking day because despite having 3 job offers while job hunting I did not manage to negotiate ANY time off between jobs (I am officially the world's WORST negotiator be it with 2 year olds, 4.5 year olds or future employers there is seriously no one as spineless as me). In fact this one day off I have is not through my negotiating "skills" but rather happenstance.

So yes, I find myself somewhat nostalgic. 12 years is a long time... I am leaving some really good friends, a great boss, an athlete I coach and two work husbands behind. Though the sadness has mostly past and now faded to excitement. I am excited to try something new, in a brand new industry, very different size of company, different location, different job description, different dress code (as in, there is one), different... well... just about everything. If I can pull this off then hopefully I will finally beat my lifelong, severe case of impostor syndrome (look it up, it's a thing!) into the ground and prove to myself, that I am actually competent (more likely I will just find new and creative ways to doubt myself but... whatever). And that is really all I can say about my new job.

On the running front - great news. Against all odds, I suddenly find myself in pretty good shape going into the spring road race season. Not due to any hard work I might add but simply due to some fortuitous weight loss. The secret to weight loss, I have found, lies in a combination of 8 weeks of interviewing, 4 weeks of decision making/stress/preparing for major life change and going to altitude (which always kills my appetite) alone (hence lots of time to run) for almost a week - cap it off with a severe case of stomach flu and voila: goal racing weight achieved. Though I have managed to run some good work-outs - heck I even broke 70 km two weeks in a row after 20 (TWENTY- seriously how did that happen?) weeks of not going above 60 km (and usually not even 50 km) so I find myself refreshed and lean (if not exactly physically fit) going into the spring road racing season and am excited to see what I can make happen out there on the roads and perhaps even on the track.

First up, a 5 km at the end of March - last year I managed 18.55. I'm going to throw it out there no holds barred - I am aiming for sub-18:30 right off the bat, right at the beginning of the season with my A goal for the 2014 season being to break 18:00 for the 5 km again. As mentioned previously, I turn 40 (FORTY - seriously how did that happen?) weeks, um, I mean years, old this year. Previously my plan had been to run the NYC marathon to celebrate but after some (as usual) indecision I have decided the ROI is not great where the investment constitutes miles and miles of training while getting used to a new job as well as the whopping entry fee. So now instead I am thinking a week-end alone somewhere, an short flight from Montreal to do a half marathon somewhere beautiful and warm in late autumn (any suggestions?) and the goal there will be sub-1:24.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

120 hours in the Land of Enchantment

I've kind of gotten to the place where so much has transpired much of which i cannot really talk about since my before-last post that I am at a loss as to what, if anything, to document. Fortunately I have never been bound to the concepts coherence and continuity therefore... 120 hours in the Land of Enchantment it is as the topic for my first post in 3 months. The stars lined up for me this month and I scored 2 days of business in New Mexico which I promptly tacked a pre-work week-end onto, that combined with the entire day of travel required to get there and voila 120 hours in the Land of Enchantment for me! Well not all them spent entirely in the land of Enchantment but 120 consecutive hours of alone-time (minus maybe 16 hours of work). I really, truly cannot recommend this type of escape highly enough. At one point during the trip I must have gone a full 36 hours without saying a word to anyone. Bliss.

I landed Saturday afternoon and after checking into my hotel headed over to catch package pick-up for the race I was doing the next day before it closed (yes, of COURSE I found a race to do). After getting my number I headed out onto the course for a pre-race shake-out only to discover:

a) flying up to 5,000 feet that morning from sea level really DID have a big impact on my ability to, well, breathe
b) the course was entirely on loose sand
c) not sleeping for 3 days beforehand negatively impacted my energy levels (sleep hampered by teething baby, major life decision)
d) not eating (much) 3 days beforehand negatively impacted my energy levels
e) not drinking (much) all day was really just the final straw...

I dragged myself through some brutal 9:30 miles, drank about 3 L of water, headed back to my hotel, took 2 sleeping pills, put in my ear plugs and disappeared off to dreamland for about 11 solid hours (sorry Ingrid... I feel like a class A jerk bragging about that).
While 11 hours of straight sleep can really do wonders for a person, they cannot erase 5,000 feet of altitude and so it was not a big surprise when I dragged myself barely breathing to a 43:50 finish the following day (10 km). As I fell across the finish line and collapsed onto the grass, I have never quite felt the world spinning that much, it was comparable only to a very bad trip I once had in college when I smoked something that, in retrospect, could not have been only pot... but anyway... Lying there not entirely sure if I could stand with absolutely NO one offering any assistance whatsoever also made me realize there is a something to be said for being in a place "where everybody knows your name" (regardless of whether they are glad you came). Anyway I eventually scrapped myself off of the grass (grass! green grass, in February!!) and got moving because this temporarily childless mom had lots on her agenda for the day, first of which was this:

Hiking in the Sandia foothills almost within the city of Albuquerque. I felt like a kid in the veritable candy store...8 hours of daylights yet and trails galore to explore. Disclaimer, these are not actually m pictures as I cannot find my camera cable but these are pictures of where I were:

Nothing short of heaven to wander in desert foothills with no particular agenda and only the occasional wandering about mountain lions or cougars crossing my mind.

I was also fortunate enough to get to Petroglyph National Monument and was awed by petroglyphs more than 1000 years old:

And some, sadly that were about 2 years old... sigh... people suck. Though who knows, in the year 3014, someone may be awed and inspired by the fact that Kevin hearts Becky...

My 120 hours in the Land of Enchantment also featured soaks in a whirlpool, hours of uninterrupted reading, dinner in restaurants and all the exercise I wanted... on several occasions, I actually stopped running because - I was TIRED OF RUNNING! Not because of guilt or someone needed something or the babysitter needed to leave etc. etc. On several occasions I also stopped sleeping because, get this, I WASN'T TIRED ANYMORE!

All in all, an amazing trip (also fortuitously timed as both children had stomach flu while I was gone... have I mentioned I have the best husband in the world??). The trip also made a nice transition between what I am already thinking of "the last phase" of my life and this next phase... a phase which is not entirely decided yet (though the timeline to make final decisions is becoming desperately short)  but regardless of the final details, it will without a doubt be a new adventure.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

This is ourselves under pressure

I have had wickedly terrible insomnia in my life but this week is taking it to a whole new level of bone crushing exhaustion. There are major changes happening in my life. Well, more succinctly put, there is A major change happening in my life. One I chose and made happen. And I think it will be good thing (I guess it would be pretty damn self destructive if I didn't think it would be a good thing given that I chose it and made it happen!!) but it means saying good-bye to a lot of really good people. It means moving out of my comfort zone... like my comfort is the Shire and where I am going... I won't even be able to see Middle Earth. This decision has meant saying no to people who I really like, admire and respect (saying no - talk about being WAY out of my comfort zone!).

As with any cross roads in life, this decision comes with its share of introspection and greater understanding of myself and my motivations. I have come to realize that when it comes to big decisions, I tend to wall off, isolate, hunker down and internalize the entire process. On the exterior I maintain a perfect "situation normal" facade. Inside there is a raging debate going on in which I am having the conversation with the key people impacted by the decision only I am speaking their parts. The end result is that when I emerge from my cocoon, decision made, it feels like a bit of a bomb being dropped to everyone else. I have actually said (in the distant past) on one day "yes, spending our summer vacation with your mother sounds great to me" and, the next " I don't think we should date anymore". I guess walling off isn't the greatest trait ever. I honestly didn't realize I had this bomb dropping tendency but after this recent decision, when I look back I see it is part of a firmly established pattern. Now that I see the pattern, I also instantly understand why - I am so easily swayed by other people and have such a hard time hearing my own voice that when it comes to big decisions, I feel I cannot even open the door to discussion even a tiny crack until I have figured out what I think... and at that point, the decision has been irrevocably made. So, I know this now about myself, not sure what, if anything, to do about that nugget of information but I read somewhere in some self help book that it is supposedly good to know yourself :)

So, I have reached the cliched fork in the road and chosen one of the paths. I have a reasonable idea of the lay of the land ahead and the details should come into focus soon. Whatever lies ahead, I certainly hope it involves more sleep, lots more sleep.

Life altering decision making song of the day: Under Pressure by Queen feat David Bowie