Memories from a winter qui n'a jamais pris son fin

It was the winter for which we bought brand new snowsuits and thereafter I would simply randomly pluck one red and one purple blob from the park/daycare/grocery store etc. and hope for the best:

It was the winter during which all of our upper bodies got stronger than we ever imagined:

It was the winter of the Christmas which despite the (small) mountain of gifts, the $1 flashing Rudolph nose from the Dollar Store was the most sought after commodity:

It was the winter during which we should have done more of this:

But as the weeks wore on and we wore down, we did a lot of this:

(drank... too... much... milk)

It was NOT the winter in which Big gave up the crib despite being taller than it is long. Clearly, ti was also not the winter during which she gave up the pacifier:

It was the winter over which we played many games of hide and seek:

And the winter during which Little got the (hopefully) worst hair cut of her life courtesy of her penny pinching mom who felt confident trimming the bangs was an easy job:

(if you can see scalp, it's not a trim mom!)

It was the winter of lots of dress up (not only to cover up bad haircuts):

It was (is) the winter that all made us long for this:

You have chosen...

So, as alluded to in previous posts, I made some pretty big life decisions in the past month or so. I chose from several possible, appealing options and am now living the consequences of that choice.  I feel like I am walking around waiting for one of two verdicts, this:

or this:

I guess that makes it sound like it is all external i.e. I am sitting around waiting to see if my new situation is ideal or otherwise. Meanwhile I am (sometimes) adult enough to know that any situation will be in large part what I make of it. But I am struggling a ton. Struggling with the fact that no one really knows me (and those who want to get to know me are probably put off by the 11th century Grail Knight looming over my shoulder). I am struggling also with my always overly developed sense of nostalgia; seriously, I was once nostalgic for a particular telephone booths! I am also, I am sure, somewhat over-romanticizing my last position. I am also struggling with what I can only imagine is a little touch of depression (or perhaps over-training - one or the other is making it very difficult to stay awake past 8.00 pm).

So... I need to take action. I need to read more material that will be helpful in my new job. I need to eat better (more green vegetables). I need to drink more (well I need to drink less wine but more water). I need to stop running on the treadmill all the time because I think it is making me tired, injured and therefore sluggish and unhappy. I need to keep my chin up and a positive attitude and remember that one of my strengths is being able to figure out how to make myself useful and engaged in unfamiliar situations. And I need to listen to Robert Eddison say "He chose poorly" about 30 times in a row because it makes me laugh. And laughing is good. Laughing is good.

Change is hard

Week 1 is completed at new job. Adjustment is the word of the week. I knew it would be hard to change jobs after 12 years, moving from a job where I was a pretty key player at a very small company where (sing it with me) everybody knows my name... hell more than knew my name, they knew the names of my kids, my husband, how I take my coffee (not that they ever got it for me), when I was PMS-ing, my favorite foods, my pet peeves, when I was really mad but trying to hide it, when I was really mad but not hiding it (ok, I guess that last one is not that impressive). So, it's hard to go from a level of extreme intimacy to being a very small, very anonymous fish in a very large pond.

And, of course, there is so much that sucks about staring a new job, any job - not knowing where the bathroom is (or once you do, not being able to remember the code for the door), riding the elevator and not being sure if it is filled with coworkers I have already met but cannot remember, feeling self conscious about the toboggan in my cubicle bc I cannot figure out where else to put it and I need it to bring Big & Little home from the daycare, feeling self conscious over - well - just about everything, being that annoying person who consumes the time of other people without giving anything back. Adding to the feeling of disconnect, I had a going away party at my old job at the end of this week and the stark contrast between how at home I feel with those people and how I feel in my new place was a little hard to take. Not to mention, my former co-workers gave me the best going away presents EVER: gum (bc I never have any and am always begging), chocolate (for obvious reasons), coffee flavored tea (bc they knew I would love the ridiculousness of it), a GARMIN watch for running (hello! After 25 years as a runner, I am going to know in real-time how fast and how far, I sense a new addiction), pyjamas (inside  joke too long to go into), a scarf (bc I am always cold), a framed picture of them on and on... As I write all of this I keep coming back to... WHY am did I leave? Seriously, why?

Anyway it'll be fine. It will be fine. Everyone has a hard time at their new job at first (unless the job is mattress tester and chocolate taster or treadmill verifier but enough about my fantasies). It WILL be fine and eventually, after a while, I am sure it will be more than fine. Eventually after a time, I know I will like this job and love the people I am working with. There are lots of positives about this job, I just need to learn, adjust and embrace the newness. But yeah, change is hard.

Running song of the week: Changes - David Bowie (I think)

Interlude

So, was it totally obvious from my last two posts that the drama was me changing jobs? Or did it sound like I was getting divorced? Anyway yes, job change for me after 12, mostly wonderful, years at my (as of Friday) "old" job. And now I find myself in an interlude between jobs... an interlude of one freaking day because despite having 3 job offers while job hunting I did not manage to negotiate ANY time off between jobs (I am officially the world's WORST negotiator be it with 2 year olds, 4.5 year olds or future employers there is seriously no one as spineless as me). In fact this one day off I have is not through my negotiating "skills" but rather happenstance.

So yes, I find myself somewhat nostalgic. 12 years is a long time... I am leaving some really good friends, a great boss, an athlete I coach and two work husbands behind. Though the sadness has mostly past and now faded to excitement. I am excited to try something new, in a brand new industry, very different size of company, different location, different job description, different dress code (as in, there is one), different... well... just about everything. If I can pull this off then hopefully I will finally beat my lifelong, severe case of impostor syndrome (look it up, it's a thing!) into the ground and prove to myself, that I am actually competent (more likely I will just find new and creative ways to doubt myself but... whatever). And that is really all I can say about my new job.

On the running front - great news. Against all odds, I suddenly find myself in pretty good shape going into the spring road race season. Not due to any hard work I might add but simply due to some fortuitous weight loss. The secret to weight loss, I have found, lies in a combination of 8 weeks of interviewing, 4 weeks of decision making/stress/preparing for major life change and going to altitude (which always kills my appetite) alone (hence lots of time to run) for almost a week - cap it off with a severe case of stomach flu and voila: goal racing weight achieved. Though I have managed to run some good work-outs - heck I even broke 70 km two weeks in a row after 20 (TWENTY- seriously how did that happen?) weeks of not going above 60 km (and usually not even 50 km) so I find myself refreshed and lean (if not exactly physically fit) going into the spring road racing season and am excited to see what I can make happen out there on the roads and perhaps even on the track.

First up, a 5 km at the end of March - last year I managed 18.55. I'm going to throw it out there no holds barred - I am aiming for sub-18:30 right off the bat, right at the beginning of the season with my A goal for the 2014 season being to break 18:00 for the 5 km again. As mentioned previously, I turn 40 (FORTY - seriously how did that happen?) weeks, um, I mean years, old this year. Previously my plan had been to run the NYC marathon to celebrate but after some (as usual) indecision I have decided the ROI is not great where the investment constitutes miles and miles of training while getting used to a new job as well as the whopping entry fee. So now instead I am thinking a week-end alone somewhere, an short flight from Montreal to do a half marathon somewhere beautiful and warm in late autumn (any suggestions?) and the goal there will be sub-1:24.