Tuesday, November 8, 2011

My stew fest

Yes, I am still stewing... I guess that's an improvement over steaming. Fast Bastard asked for an update on the slap-in-the-face situation which I hadn't really planned on blogging any more about. Any meaningful update takes me into territory that is over the boundary of things I am willing to blog about. Leaving out details becomes so abstract that it is uninteresting and impossible to follow (yes, I know, uninteresting and impossible to follow is kind of par for the course on my blog).

So here is what I can offer. Since la incident, I have spent one night awake crying, one night awake wondering if what X said was true and a few days as a walking sleep-deprived zombie. Then I called Mother Risk to ask about the safety of diphen.hydra.mine during pregnancy (the active ingredient in most over the counter sleeping pills) and found out that unlike almost all other drugs, it has actually been extremely well studied during pregnancy and approved for use. So I bought myself some Sle.ep-ez.e and got two excellent nights of sleep. So I guess the update there is that I am literally no longer losing sleep over the incident but only thanks to modern chemistry not to any kind of closure.

I did tell X what I heard. X apologized. I told X that there was no need to apologize for feeling that I am [insult omitted]. Heck, if that's how X feels, it's how X feels. It hurts like hell but I have to accept that those are the feelings. I have the responsibility to figure out what part of  [insult omitted] is really true of me and what part comes from X and the filter through which X sees the world. I need to change what I decide I can and should and let the rest of it go.

However I did also tell X is that I found it completely reprehensible that these feelings were shared with another person in my life with whom I am close and have an excellent relationship and whom, as far as I know, enjoys a mutual high regard with me (this was the person in the room X was talking to I alluded to last time). That part was pretty shitty. Well the whole thing was shitty but as I keep saying I can't blame X for feeling these feelings (though I am hurt and confused by it) but I certainly do blame X for back-stabbing me.

Blah blah blah... just writing about this is making me tired. I am ready to move onto something else, stop being a drama queen, get some real sleep. Perhaps instead of taking more Sl.ee.p-E.ze, I`ll just go re-read some of my blog, that oughta do it.

That be my update.
This be me moving on.


  1. It is impressive that you are not trying to "force" X to feel differently about you. I think that most people would try to please a person to change her feelings or prove that what she thinks is not true. This post made me think about how wrong that is, I have never really gave a thought to this because I have not had a chance to experience such situation and you just made me a better person!

    I have even higher regard with you know.

  2. Ugh. And ugh again. One of those curl-up-in-a-ball-why-can't-it-go-away? things. i would call it a cringe moment (of which i have many and often still look back on - even 15 years later - and cringe at the experience) but this is a bit deeper than that. It's ok...like you say, best way to move forward is to find a new drama or experience! How long do you get to escape X whilst on mat leave?

  3. Thanks Mmmonyka and Cherelli for your kind comments. Cherelli - I too have an unhealthy penchant for re-living horrible cringe moments time which could be well spent re-living happier times. Though maybe we learn and change by re-living the ugly? Who knows.
    To answer your question re: X, I think my post was unclear. X is not a colleague. X is from my personal life, X left me the infamous voicemail on my work phone hence the extra cringe factor of tears and accidentally forwarding the voice mail.