Monday, June 27, 2011

Holy Mother of OUCH!

Let me sum up this morning's outing on my bicycle as follows: the pain in my ass that I now have makes the pain in my foot, which precipitated the ride in the first place, feel like an utter joy in comparison. If running is akin to making love on a summer's night in a grassy field, under the moonlight with one's life partner, long and sweet, climaxing in simultaneous orgasm, than bicycling is a nervous, awkward, unskilled groping session in the backseat of a 1999 Honda Civic with fast food wrappers strewn all around and a foul stench in the air. Though, to continue the painful analogy, there is no passion between cycling and I. Zero interest in a long term relationship. I am just using the bike to breathe hard and sweat. There are no plans for the future, dreams or hopes so perhaps it wasn't realistic to hope for the satisfaction I get from a long, hard, um... run.

Also not realistic was the expectation that I could take my bicycle out after five years of use and actually have it work. Although the tires held pressure very nicely and the brakes functioned well, I had my "choice" of exactly one gear. A very, very easy, tensionless, legs spinning ineffectively gear. I realized the plan of going long and flat would not pan out and so decided instead to climb Montreal's famous Mount Royal along the route used by the World Cup cyclists when that event comes to town: a 400 foot climb over one mile. I did it three times, 9 minutes each, and that worked very well as a work-out. I was definitely breathing and sweating. A humbling new experience to absolutely the slowest person out there. I'm not kidding. I got passed by everyone. Professional looking cyclists in sweet looking gear but also her:

 and her:

I did pass one person when I finished my work-out and I was haplessly spinning in first gear along the flat road to work, but she was wearing high heels and a skirt.

So on the way home I took the bike into a shop for a tune up, I'll have it back in four days but honestly... I think I may be trading a broken foot for a broken ass. I really don't know if I can get back on the saddle again. When I road from work to the bike store I had to stand up the whole way because my hiney was too sore to sit down. I'm hoping that it is an adjustment issue and when I pick up the bike they will help me adjust it properly for me, all I know is that the seat and handlebars theoretically CAN be adjusted but I don't know what the goal in adjusting them should be. Other than that - cushier seat? Padded bikeshorts?


  1. Ok, so now I am laughing.
    You used to do duathlons, so it cannot be that bad, can it? :)

    I have never had a seat issue (but remember, I can do 230k wearing underwear and running shorts no problem) but I know that it usually takes few sessions before your hiney adjusts. And since you have not riden your bike for quite some time, give it few days. I am sure it will be better.

  2. You're a lot funnier when hurt. I should go up there and kick you.

    I've had two bad bike seat problems. Once I broke off the end of my coccyx - "I busted my @$$ out there!" - and there's nothing you can do about it but wait for it to heal and try not to let people see how much it hurts to sit. The other was somehow worse - neuralgia that caused me to be numb in my, um, well, let's just say the backseat of the Honda would be of no use.

  3. Ms. Gulch is deceptively fast on that bike, so I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. Why am I not surprised that mmmonyka has never had seat issues?? (and that is a compliment - she just understands bikes) I for one am a big fan of seats with a hole/groove in the middle tailored to contours the female body :) (do you know the ones I'm talking about?). I think it makes a big difference, at least in terms of my soreness later that day. And when I say that, SR says he doesn't believe it makes a difference- but he's a man.