Thursday, February 20, 2014

This is ourselves under pressure

I have had wickedly terrible insomnia in my life but this week is taking it to a whole new level of bone crushing exhaustion. There are major changes happening in my life. Well, more succinctly put, there is A major change happening in my life. One I chose and made happen. And I think it will be good thing (I guess it would be pretty damn self destructive if I didn't think it would be a good thing given that I chose it and made it happen!!) but it means saying good-bye to a lot of really good people. It means moving out of my comfort zone... like my comfort is the Shire and where I am going... I won't even be able to see Middle Earth. This decision has meant saying no to people who I really like, admire and respect (saying no - talk about being WAY out of my comfort zone!).

As with any cross roads in life, this decision comes with its share of introspection and greater understanding of myself and my motivations. I have come to realize that when it comes to big decisions, I tend to wall off, isolate, hunker down and internalize the entire process. On the exterior I maintain a perfect "situation normal" facade. Inside there is a raging debate going on in which I am having the conversation with the key people impacted by the decision only I am speaking their parts. The end result is that when I emerge from my cocoon, decision made, it feels like a bit of a bomb being dropped to everyone else. I have actually said (in the distant past) on one day "yes, spending our summer vacation with your mother sounds great to me" and, the next " I don't think we should date anymore". I guess walling off isn't the greatest trait ever. I honestly didn't realize I had this bomb dropping tendency but after this recent decision, when I look back I see it is part of a firmly established pattern. Now that I see the pattern, I also instantly understand why - I am so easily swayed by other people and have such a hard time hearing my own voice that when it comes to big decisions, I feel I cannot even open the door to discussion even a tiny crack until I have figured out what I think... and at that point, the decision has been irrevocably made. So, I know this now about myself, not sure what, if anything, to do about that nugget of information but I read somewhere in some self help book that it is supposedly good to know yourself :)

So, I have reached the cliched fork in the road and chosen one of the paths. I have a reasonable idea of the lay of the land ahead and the details should come into focus soon. Whatever lies ahead, I certainly hope it involves more sleep, lots more sleep.

Life altering decision making song of the day: Under Pressure by Queen feat David Bowie


  1. Best of luck, whatever happens - and you have my email if you want someone to vent to. [ended with a preposition...]

  2. whoa. I knew there was a reason I had been thinking about you every day the last couple of weeks. Your silence has been worrying. But lots of sleep sounds good...

  3. Can't wait to hear more! Hang in there and trust your gut, my friend. xoxo